Jelly Donuts building blocks of the Universe?
Although the universe is millions of light years old - glazed donuts have been known to man only in the last 150 years. Yet, according to some, they are the building blocks of the universe. This revolutionary discovery has brought into the limelight the scientist who developed its underlying theory: Dr. Otis LeRoy Von Lugihocken, M.D. (Mentally Deficient).
He illuminates: "Just consider the following: Every Big Bang that occurs causes massive instant temperature increases of thousands of degrees (Fahrenheit, Celsius, Reaumur and/or Kelvin) which in turn cause grains and liquid to turn into primordial batter (instantly baked) and fruits into jelly (handily converting some of the fructose along the way) Inherently, it stands to reason that Jelly Donuts are a byproduct of all Big Bangs, and therefore they are the only matter available to form new planets.
Since everyone knows that the main life forms that are attracted to Jelly Donuts are insects (law enforcement personnel aside), it becomes painfully obvious that insects lead the evolutionary chain, along with stinking monkeys (which turn into troglodytes; neanderthals; cro-magnons; cro-mignons; filet-mignons and later normal people, also known as Homo Erectus (no, it's not what you think). This takes some time, though) and pterodactyls, which (in a strange reverse evolutionary process) turn into pigeons which disgust most people since they are essentially pestilence on wings. But I digress. Donuts, which belong to the congealed food group, are rich in nothing much except compatibility with coffee (See: "the low brow theory" By Dr. Karl-Heinz Durchfall) and conveniently each have their own little Black Hole in the middle. This Black Hole converts matter into a form of anti-matter which the ancient Icelandic nomadic tribes never referred to as "jabbadehut" and which is usually situated in the pelvic region, right above the "Walmart" section of the buttocks. Renowned scientists such as many people whose names elude me for the moment, have suggested that my scientific work is meaningless, but do I give up? No. That would be too easy. We'll see who has the last laugh. It will be the one who has taken the longest to understand the joke. Meanwhile, I will pursue my theory by creating Big Bangs so I can document the effect they have. My wife is all for creating more Big Bangs, since she claims that the last one happened millions of years ago. But enough about Donuts. Back to the French Impressionists."
The food industry is going down the drain. No longer can we heartily bite in that chewy hamburger of yore, nor is it encapsulated in a fresh, tasty bun. Hamburgers nowadays only qualify as such if one can eat them through a straw, the patty itself being composed of Bovine eyelid, perineum, heel and armpit, held together by axle grease and fly shit. And while I have your attention: How long before the paper mill that makes pizza delivery boxes will admit to also manufacturing the crust? Then, apart from all that, there's the breakfast cereal industry. Are you actually getting GrapeNuts, and if so, can you taste them when they're covered in more sugar than fits in your car? And if they're covered in as much sugar that fits in your car, and you don't drive a compact, how does that make your dentist feel? After all, because of this dentists are losing business to the Japanese, with their teenie weenie little cars. They're nice, they're convenient, you can park 'em in downtown San Francisco, but, they don't fit as much sugar as the breakfast cereal industry deems appropriate. And that is exactly my point.
Speaking of which: Did you know that the average American is just that? A recent report has shown that the average American is in fact very much the average American; a couch potato eating potato chips on their shoulder about spending all but all their spare time being exactly that. And that's not all! Some are spending even more time spending time watching TV on the couch. I haven't the remotest control why.
While we're on the subject of couches, have you seen the latest news? How new was it? News, as is all too well known, gets old pretty quickly. You could store it in your refrigerator, but somehow I don't think those drive-by shootings are going to do that carton of milk any good. And what about the weather? Time for my pill.
Dr. Otis Leroy. von Lugihocken
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